Happy Thanksgiving

I sit here in the silence half asleep, half awake

And I can hear, I can hear my heart break.

i am sitting in am empty apartment. the rest of my roommates have gone home for the week. judging from the state of the parking garage, the apartment building is practically deserted. as deserted as campus was earlier today. it's kind of erie, i must admit.

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i am stuck in a relationship that leaves me feeling worthless and lonelier than ever. i say "stuck" because although i harbor such sentiments, i still, for some reason unbeknownst to myself, continue to choose staying in it. we've discussed our "issues" many times, yet nothing's changed. i feel like i could do better. as if i'm settling right now. he knows i could do better. yet he doesn't try to do anything to perhaps make me feel otherwise. why do i keep doing this to myself? time after time? am i a masochist? or is it that simply all guys are born cheating assholes?

Experience tells me: it's the latter.

It's sad because I am not the "victim" here. Rather, I am being that stupid girl I'd normally yell at. WTF. I don't know what's happened to me. Before, I'd never hesitated to break up with a guy by telling him to "fuck off" and to get the hell out of my face. But now, i find that I've somehow lost the strength/ability to do so. My senses get too overwhelmed with apathy for me to do anything. Why??? What has happened to me?!!? Where has my young, fearless, courageous self gone?!

She has been shattered. She is nowhere to be found. She is gone.

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The past few years have greatly embittered my outlook on this concept of "love." I was once a dreamy romantic. However, I now believe: Love's great and all, but some people are just not meant to ever find it. I am 87% sure that I am one of these people. I'm slowly realizing that I don't have the patience necessary for all of the bullcrap one needs to deal with in such arrangements. Also, i seem to have great luck in attracting those of the most untrustworthy caliber. I have very little faith in men. Actually, i've come to have very little faith in humankind, as a whole. Devoting your time and energy towards another human being just doesn't seem worth it.

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Next goal in life:

I need to learn how to live in such a way: to be able to do whatever i want, whenever i want, entirely regardless of how it will affect the lives of those around me. Most people seem to live this way already. Once i, too, can learn to live in such a way, it will spare me a lifetime of emotional distress and/or guilt. To "find" myself, i feel that i must learn how to be in a relationship with a minimal amount of emotional attachment, to be as detached or as selfish as the guys usually are, and to do only what i want, whenever i want, however i want, with whomever i want, at my whim. Not that I would exercise all of this power all of the time, but knowing that i could do it, without having to think twice or doubt myself. That'd be ideal. If only I could turn that emotional-longing part of my brain off, living a more self-indulgent lifestyle would be far more easy to accomplish. This way, I'd be devoting time and effort to making myself happy! Who has the time to care about the happiness of other people? I don't!

I should also learn to expect absolutely nothing. From anyone. Ever. If you never expect anything from anyone, it leaves no room for disappointment. I keep setting myself up for disappointment; I keep "believing in the good of people," i try my best to give others the "benefit of the doubt." Why should I continue doing this? It rarely pays off in the end, and i am only setting myself up for hurt and disappointment...

And so begins my life as a hermit. Why should I engage with others if they are only going to let me down or make me feel unhappy?

I want to be happy. My past and current approaches to life don't seem to be working. This is why I've chosen to take a path of change.

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My mother hasn't spoken to me in more than a month. there are many things i should probably tell her about. yet, she hasn't given me a chance to have her listen.

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i fucking hate hospitals... but am grateful to still have healthcare. i wonder how this is all going to change once I'm done with college. i am also terrified out of my mind, at the thought of it.

yay, holidays!