overwhelmed

Time has been passing by quite quickly since graduation.  I've lost of track of the number of years that have passed since my senior year of college.  It feels like that was forever ago.  Yet, I don't feel like I've changed very much since finishing college. 

Well, I guess I did't see the differences when I first began my moment of personal reflection.  But the more I examine my life now versus how it used to be as a student, I begin to realize the seemingly subtle changes that have occurred over the past couple (few?) years.  

Physical Changes: 

• First off, for starters, and what is the most superficially apparent, I now wear makeup.  Not that I really want to, but am expected to by normal social standards.  The old me tended not to give a damn about social standards.  But now that I am working and need to make an effort to get people to actually LIKE me, I need to start making an effort to help influence them into thinking it is socially OK for them to associate themselves with me as their coworker and colleague. It is impolite to show up to work looking unkempt, and waking up at 6 for work each morning doesn't do many favors for those dark bags I used to not have under my eyes.  
• Staying indoors 40 hours a week during the best sunlit hours of the day means that rather than having a complexion you'd expect to see on a normal person who lives in sunny San Diego, my skin is now usually a pale, papery-looking film. 
• I spend most of my workdays sitting at a desk or lab bench, and therefore, am not getting any more physically fit than before.  
• My eating habits have not changed (regular intake of steak, bacon, mcdonald's).  My eating habits are killing my body. What little fitness I had left during my senior year of college no longer exists.  I don't think I've been physically "fit" since maybe my junior year of high school.  That was about 7-8 years ago.  Holy.  Moly.
• On top of that, my body wants to stay up until 3am every night because I'm a night person; this was fine when I was a student and didn't have to wake up at 6 in the morning.  It was also helpful in staying awake at my band's gigs.   However, it's not healthy, and I found myself snoozing during meetings or dozing off while trying to survive my commute home after work.  I now need to force myself into bed by midnight so that I won't seem like a member of the living dead at work the next day.  

Emotional Changes:

• My temperament has become significantly less passive.  I don't know why I am now so ready to bring the fire to the fight when people try to bullshit me. And I'm good at telling when somebody's not being genuine, is lying, or is trying to hide some underlying issue. Being a human lie detector isn't always a good thing.  I used to not have such a fiery temper, but now I really can't stand it when people spew out a bunch of what I think are obvious lies and bullcrap at me.  I like it when people are direct, efficient.  If there is a problem, tell me that there is a problem.  If I have a problem with you and have no way of avoiding you, I won't hesitate to let you know that there is a problem.  I will bring the issue up, I will force you to discuss it, I want problems to be resolved as quickly as possible.  Life is short.  Stop wasting it bullshitting other people. 
• The old me would have rolled with the punches.  Or, rather, I mean... The old me would have been more likely to take the punches and silently fumed about it.  The new me will be more likely to stop someone in their tracks, before any damage could be done.

Personal Goals:

• Upon doing more research on the matter, graduate school does not seem to be for me.  I have always been one to support pursuing higher education, but I seem to have lost of steam since my senior year.  In past generations, getting a higher degree usually meant obtaining a higher salary when it comes to getting a job.  But as I've done more research on the manner, the Masters degree I was originally thinking of pursuing would be pretty worthless in the biological sciences job field.  It doesn't mean much.  It doesn't mean you'll get paid more for having completed more education in the field.  It only means you'll be more likely to score an interview with a prospective employer.  Grad school (for a masters, anyway) is expensive and can cost about $36,000 a year.  I'd expect getting a masters to give a higher payback considering the cost that goes into obtaining one.  
• I still can't bring myself to consider doing a PhD in anything.  I simply don't think I could study something for so many years (minimum of 4-6 years, for something in the sciences), and still come out loving it more than ever before in the end.  I think I would grow to despise my field of study after focusing solely on that one field for about 2 years or so.  I don't think I'd be able to stand studying ANYTHING, as much as I could love it now, for more than a few years.
• My more immediate goal is to get a special certification/license in a field called Cytogenetics.  It's not my dream field of focus, but it offers stability and higher pay.  There aren't very many people with this specialized certification, and would afford me the leverage to move up quicker in my company, or to transfer job locations far more easily.  Perhaps if a love of something overtakes me and inspires me to complete a graduate degree in anything, this license will allow to pursue such ambitions without digging myself into too much debt.

Thoughts on Finances:

• I think I am completely screwed when it comes to this stuff.  All I know is that the stock market keeps dropping, and the money I'd invested last year when I'd first started working is now worth far less than what I'd put in.  This is frustrating.  It also makes me wonder if it would've been wiser to have spent that same money on a vacation rather than investing it.  I mean, say I invested $1000 last year, but lost about $500 in investments between last year and this year. Wouldn't I have been better off without investing that original $1000?  Would I have been better off with spending $500 on travels and not investing the remaining $500, keeping it solely in my pocket?
• To answer my questions on what finances even entail, I bought myself a book Personal Finance in Your 20s for Dummies.  I needed something that would simplify the most basic of finance-related info into something that I, a blind newcomer into this world of money, could mentally digest and comprehend.

I don't think I have quite yet adjusted to "adult" life to the best of my ability... The idealist in me yearns for more, as if I've always expected myself to amount to more than... well, this.  

I haven't done any writing in a while.  It's been a long time since I'd last had something holding a flame under my ass, forcing me to get my creative juices flowing, to write/express my innermost thoughts, situational analyses on paper... er, in print.  I miss those days.   It kept my mind active.  I think the last time I wrote any worthwhile reflective piece was somewhere around my junior year of college (2-3? years ago).

Perhaps continuing with this blog might help me de-stress and organize my thoughts a little better, thus helping me control those weird temperament flare-ups I've been experiencing as of late (the past 4-5 months or so).  

Aiya.